Tuesday, November 3, 2009

anxious ramblings..


Since yesterday, I have been feeling a bit anxious. It was a bittersweet day for me, as a mom especially - as my friend Sandi's daughter Brooke turned 18. How Sandi wanted to be here.
How proud she would be of how Brooke has handled her life since she died. She is her mother's daughter, there is no doubt about that and that makes me smile.
Then I started thinking, silly girl - it's dad's birthday this week. On Friday, my dad would have been 80 years old, which is even hard for me to imagine. My dad was so active, that he didn't seem really old to me. He was always excited about some new hobby he was working on, always learning new things. That is how I want to be should I be so lucky to reach that age.
And then there is this - this trial, that is upcoming in our lives. I really truthfully don't like to talk about it too much, but it's always there looming over us. It has been almost 4 years and after numerous hearings and district attorney changes - it looks like it will start either this month or next. Part of me feels (well most of me feels) that it's not going to make a big difference in my life, it's not going to bring my dad back. What would my dad want me to do?
I also feel that this monster has taken up too much of my families time already, and why should I give any more time by sitting in a courtroom looking at this awful person that forever changed all of our lives. I have a few family members that want to be there, that need to be there - to see it thru, to see that justice is done. A tiny part of me wants to be there, but I know it will be such an emotionally charged journey - that I am not sure I am willing to take, time will tell.
So here I sit feeling anxious - bittersweet feelings about life, death & love.
(photo via here)

8 comments:

Jacqueline said...

You have many emotional things to think about at the moment.....these things make us anxious, but you are coping well and, as long as you remember that how you are feeling is perfectly normal, you will get through it. Be strong and take care. XXXX

Cherry Blossoms said...

I will def keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Its never easy to lose a loved one but esp when you lose someone from a senseless act. Just remember you and your family are only becoming stronger each and every day.

Lori said...

Oh Cathi ~ I can see why you would be on an emotional roller coaster. Know that I am here if you need me. ((hugs)) Lori

Tracy said...

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. You know I'm always thinking about you. XXOO

Simply Colette said...

That must be so hard, trying to put everything behind but also justice for your dad. Hope you have some sunshine in your day. :) xoxo

Scintilla @ Bell'Avventura said...

You need a lot of courage to pursue this because it means reliving the worst moments of your life over and over. But you probably need to see it through to bring closure for you and respect for your father.
hugs :)

Beth said...

Your dad is in a great place. I think he wants you to be happy too. What makes you happy? Whatever it is, do that.

m i c h e l l e said...

Thinking of you Cathi and sending love and hugs ...

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