anxious ramblings..

Since yesterday, I have been feeling a bit anxious. It was a bittersweet day for me, as a mom especially - as my friend Sandi's daughter Brooke turned 18. How Sandi wanted to be here.

How proud she would be of how Brooke has handled her life since she died. She is her mother's daughter, there is no doubt about that and that makes me smile.

Then I started thinking, silly girl - it's dad's birthday this week. On Friday, my dad would have been 80 years old, which is even hard for me to imagine. My dad was so active, that he didn't seem really old to me. He was always excited about some new hobby he was working on, always learning new things. That is how I want to be should I be so lucky to reach that age.

And then there is this - this trial, that is upcoming in our lives. I really truthfully don't like to talk about it too much, but it's always there looming over us. It has been almost 4 years and after numerous hearings and district attorney changes - it looks like it will start either this month or next. Part of me feels (well most of me feels) that it's not going to make a big difference in my life, it's not going to bring my dad back. What would my dad want me to do?

I also feel that this monster has taken up too much of my families time already, and why should I give any more time by sitting in a courtroom looking at this awful person that forever changed all of our lives. I have a few family members that want to be there, that need to be there - to see it thru, to see that justice is done. A tiny part of me wants to be there, but I know it will be such an emotionally charged journey - that I am not sure I am willing to take, time will tell.

So here I sit feeling anxious - bittersweet feelings about life, death & love.

(photo via here)