Monday, May 20, 2013

day 20: getting real....


Day 20: get real.  share something you're struggling with right now

I love that quote so much and think about it often when I am going thru hard times.  I also think about the struggles I have had in life and realize that whatever I am going thru or have gone thru, there is always someone else struggling alot more than me.  I feel like I have had a wonderfully blessed life.  Admittedly, this probably hasn't been the best year of my life - it all started when my guy was hospitalized.  Thankfully, he got there in time and received the help he needed.  There isn't a day that goes by that I am not grateful for taking some irritating symptoms seriously.  It's what happened afterwards.  We picked up our life where we left off or so we thought.  When I look back now, I remember the fear I had those first few days home from the hospital.  I didn't want to leave him alone at home for fear something would happen.  I felt like I was shell shocked and walked around like that for a few weeks and I think he did too.  For the first time in our lives, we were feeling our mortality.  Was our new normal living in fear? That if I leave the house or don't hear from him in a few hours assume the worst?  The beauty of our relationship is that we have always given each other space to be who we are - but honestly it took awhile to get back to that after that hospitalization.  You just realize how precious the time you have with your loved ones is not guaranteed and anything at any moment can happen.  Every little pain in my chest I was sure was a heart attack waiting to happen.  So finally I talked to my doctor (and believe me when I say that I am not one to rush to the doctor) and she felt that we should run some tests concerning my heart.  It turned out that my old ticker is doing just fine as are the arteries - I was suffering from anxiety.  After a few weeks, we got back into the swing of things and all was going very well. We were taking a closer look at our lifestyle and making changes and feeling back to normal and that my friends felt so good.   A few months later, I learned that my friend Katie was ill. It was determined from the very beginning that it wasn't going to be a long illness as much as we hoped and prayed for some sort of miracle.  Looking back now that it's been 2 months, the miracle turned out to be that she didn't have to suffer very long at all.  I remember seeing her for the last time at her house, she had been asleep for 4 days by that point and I was so grateful that she wasn't in pain.  She looked so peaceful just like she wanted to be.  I remember when I went to visit her in the hospital when I first learned of her illness and as morbid as it may sound to some people, we talked about how if she had a terminal illness, she would want to spend her last few days, weeks or months.  We talked of euthansia and how we are so humane when putting animals to sleep, but not so with us humans.  When her doctors asked her what she thought of their treatment plans, she asked if some strong drugs and a beach house could be one of the plans.  The looks she got from them...It makes me laugh, as that is so Katie.  She was a realist. She was more afraid of the chemo than death itself.  She didn't get the beach house, but she did get those drugs and also the  peace that she was in her own bed surrounded by her family. I'm struggling with grief and how to move on in this life, without a person that meant the world to me - just thinking of all our fun times makes me smile and laugh and is the way I have been getting thru it. So blessed to have had her in my life.  A month after she died, Alex was hospitalized again.  He was taken into surgery pretty quickly and I felt pretty comfortable as we had been thru this recently, but as the hours ticked by and nobody was coming out to tell me all was well, my mind was racing to places that I definitely didn't want to go to.  I had to remind myself to breath deeply, think positively and say my prayers.  He was in good hands.  Thankfully, everything turned out ok and now we are back where we were all those months ago, struggling to get back to normal or is this our new normal - life has many bumps in the road and these are just a few that are in our path right now.  I am so grateful and thankful for each day that I wake up healthy and also that my friends and family do too.  There is nothing more important than your health.  So I am taking this new normal and will find my own way to get thru our everyday struggles with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.  Life is for living.  Enjoy each moment!

Have a beautiful week, friends!
xxoo

1 comment:

Leslie Harris said...

I loved this post. As always, I feel like we share a common perspective. Thanks for sharing this I've linked to it in my post.
hugs,
Leslie

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